Bar etiquette

How to behave when you are going out so that you are not a jerk?

Let me teach you the do’s and don’ts of how to behave at a bar, restaurant or any other place where you go and order something and a service is provided. Is so sad that people actually have to write or talk about this since there are a lot of rude, ungrateful bi’chess out there.

Let’s get to it.

  1. Respect the person

You would think this is something that is not worth mentioning BUT unfortunately we have to point out that you need to keep your comments about someone’s looks for yourself ! Do not make fun of their looks, gender preference, and how they want to express themselves. 

A person who is nice to you but is not nice to the waiter, is NOT a nice person.

  1. Be polite

Treat them like humans! Yes they are there to serve you but that doesn’t make them your slaves.  

  1. Know when you have to go home

I will put this one in the beginning because closing time is something that people are not familiar with even when they are told that “ This is the last order, we will be closing in 30 minutes”! If you hear that it doesn’t mean you can stay another 2 hours there, no no no, this means in 30 minutes you finish everything and when the clock tells you that 30 minutes passed you lift up your ass and leave with a smile on your face and saying “Thank you, have a good night” !

Also this can include how wasted you are. If you can’t keep down your alcohol, leave. Make a scene at home, do not disturb others and don’t make a mess. 

You are told that you need to leave, do it without complaining. You were probably a jerk and this has consequences.  

  1. Flirt with the employees

If they are allowed to they will properly flirt back. If they don’t have a flirty attitude, do not push it! Being a bartender or waiter or a barista is a very social job so don’t interpret too much in their attitude. They will let you know if they are into you. 

  1. Dating

You will most likely get free stuff, but this doesn’t mean your friends will have some.

  1. Tipping 

Always. Everywhere! That is it on this subject.

They are underpaid and lots of owners are doing so just because they believe they get a lot of tips. Tipping should be on merit, not on your mood. If you don’t have enough money to eat and leave a tip, stay at home. BUT tipping doesn’t give you the  right to be an ass!

  1. Know what you want. 

If the menus are given to you and after half an hour of staying on your phone you ask your waiter: “So, what do you have on the menu”, you are a piece of shit. Look in the menu, decide and if you have questions ask. Don’t make them present the whole thing and at the end say ” Can I have 5 minutes to look in the menu” and by us saying “Yes” know that we actually mean “ No bi*ch, get the f*ck out!”.

Also if you are in a club or a fast bar don’t go and ask the bartender what they recommend. Study the menu, make a decision and come back only when you know what you want! 

  1. Old jokes 

Like:” It was an awful dish” and you are saying this with a smile and a wing and giving the plate empty. STFU! If you liked it, say so, this joke is older than Jesus! Just retire it. Nobody thinks it is funny. 

  1. Don’t complain about prices to the staff

They have no say in how much you need to pay, and they do not have the authority to change the prices. So if you want to complain about it because you are a cheap ass, write an email. 

  1. Pay Separately 

If you really have to just let the staff know before ordering and ask what is their policy. If you are a group of more than 5 people, DON’T EVEN! 

  1. Don’t act like you are calling sheep

Don’t use your voice to call for a waiter. Making eye contact, raise a hand when they are looking at you. Don’t wave that hand like you are saying goodbye to loved ones. 

If at a bar, DO NOT BANG ON THE BAR! You will look like a jerk for doing so and that might just increase your waiting time. 

  1. Don’t be a human shredder 

Napkins, labels, straws, toothpicks, coasters- DON’T make them look like the first iteration in the process of making them! Leave them be. And if you really need to do this, clean after yourself! 

  1. Talking on your phone 

If you are doing so, don’t be surprised that nobody is giving you attention. They will let you finish your phone call and then come and get your order and if the waiting time is bothering you it is not their problem. 

If you are at a bar and doing this and making the bartender wait for you, you are an ass. Take your call and then go order. 

Photo by Christopher Farrugia on
  1. Bathroom visits

Sometimes I get shivers when I think about using the toilet in a bar . It’s disappointing to see how manners are leaving someone’s body when they go out and is not their house. Pee in the f*cking toilet, not on the floor. Don’t put your feet on the WC, don’t poop on the floor!!! Throw your tampons, don’t stick them to walls. The toilet paper that is used, throw it, don’t let it lay on the floor cuz’ it ain’t no piece of art.  Rent a hotel room to have sex in! Do drugs at home if you really have to.

  1. For bars and coffee shops: order all your drinks at once  

Don’t give them crumbs like Hansel and Gretel. Order everything at once and if you are with a group, decide before standing in front of the bar and calling the bartender like you were waiting there for 30 min. Know what you want and order everything all at once. 

  1. “Surprise me”

If you are asking to be surprised, do not dare to complain about what you get. You couldn’t even make up your mind so do not bitch about it.

In the end is all about being a decent human being.

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